Quick Links

Click here: => faijirepmarl.fastdownloadcloud.ru/dt?s=YToyOntzOjc6InJlZmVyZXIiO3M6MzA6Imh0dHA6Ly9iYW5kY2FtcC5jb21fZHRfcG9zdGVyLyI7czozOiJrZXkiO3M6NDY6IkRhdGluZyBhIGZlbWFsZSBuYXJjaXNzaXN0IGRhbW4gbmVhciBraWxsZWQgbWUiO30=


Their behavior is like a swarm of roaches, for every one lie in the light, there are thousands that you cannot see, because they are expert manipulators and you want to see the good in the person. I noticed the lies, little lies, and big lies. I always was walking on eggshells talking to him at the end.

I asked one young man on this forum what he can offer to woman. Narcs pick intelligent , beautiful, sincere, forgiving AMAZING people so they can live out a dream of being someone as amazing s you are. My mother is without a doubt a narcissist, and I have dealt with treating my co-depency all my life.

Quick Links

From my vantage point as a psychotherapist, I work with many individuals who are leaving and healing from , especially romantic ones, with people who are narcissists. When I first heard the term narcissist as a graduate student, I had a hard time labeling someone with such a label. I pride myself on being a strengths-focused therapist, in direct opposition of any of such disempowering diagnostic nomenclature. However, as time progressed, I found in my own therapy practice that, indeed, there exist some individuals on this planet with narcissistic challenges. My clients educated me about the aftermath of what it is to heal from narcissistic abuse. I feel I owe it to the people I work with in therapy, and others who may be in similar circumstances, to assist with educating the public about narcissistic , so that people can be informed and aware of how to protect themselves in the event they encounter people with narcissistic traits. The following is an attempt at a primer on such individuals. For further study, please refer to the resources listed at the end of the article, as the subject is quite vast. Identifying Individuals with Narcissism So just what traits does someone with narcissism have, and what does that person look like in the early stages of dating? Studies suggest that 1% of the general population 2-16% of psychiatric population has narcissistic personality, while an even greater number exhibit typical traits of narcissism Brown, 2013. In addition, although 75% of people with narcissism are found to be male, women can also be narcissists. One could wonder, then, how someone would find such an individual, someone who embodies these characteristics, attractive. Well, studies show Brown, 2013 that people with narcissism market themselves in attractive, deceptive packages. People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity Brown, 2013 , and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive including negative attention. Characteristics of the Relationship The literature on malignant narcissism is extensive, yet many are not informed about the dangers of being involved with someone whose character or actions tend toward narcissism. I find that clients who were entangled in relationships with such individuals have more healing to do from breaks in these relationships than if they had been in relationships with healthy individuals, because often these clients are manifesting symptoms of. In order to heal, psychotherapy must focus on grief work and trauma recovery, in addition to understanding the elements of the toxic relationship, so that patterns are not repeated in the future. Once the initial honeymoon wears off, partners of people with narcissistic traits go from feeling high on a pedestal much like being on cocaine to feeling devalued, discarded, and figuratively knocked off the pedestal. Their partners have successfully seduced and hooked them into relationships. But suddenly, the individual with narcissism begins to reveal traits of lying, future-faking, and Dr. He or she may vanish for hours or days on end, or confuses the reality of a partner. This person becomes emotionally abusive and detaches from the partner, extracting narcissistic supply in the process. The partner who has exhibited narcissistic personality traits, who was once a knight in shining armor, is now a mere fantasy, because he or she acted through mind control and brainwashing Brown, 2013. To Protect Yourself So how does one avoid encountering someone with narcissism? I would suggest being particularly cautious with the pacing of dating. If the dating partner attempts to rush the relationship, that is a red flag. An individual who respects your boundaries will work with you to slowly progress the relationship at a pace that is mutually agreed upon. To protect yourself from someone who may end up behaving out of narcissism, it is best to allow the connection to unfold slowly and observe to see if actions and words are matching up. Sexual chemistry is not the same thing as healthy bonding and attachment. A healthy person will want to get to know your personality, dreams, and interests, and slowly evolve the relationship. If you have encountered an individual who seems to display these qualities, or are considering leaving a relationship with a similar person, it is in your best interests to get yourself out of the relationship as quickly as possible. People with narcissistic characteristics may be prone to causing harm by invading personal boundaries, lying about future possibilities in relationships, engaging in abuse, and exhibiting no empathy or remorse for emotional harm they have done. Consult a licensed psychotherapist who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery in addition to locating a qualified support group to help you through this time. But, it will take time and the assistance of qualified professionals who understand what you have endured and how to help you to reclaim your self-esteem. Permission to publish granted by , The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. Intriguingly enough… the person I am currently with demostrates all the exact same tendencies. And we are always trying to conquer each other. So perhaps it is only weak minded romantics who should stay away from narcissistic personalities. They seem to do just fine with each other. As the adult child of TWO narcs. I can tell you that this suggestion manifested would be a crime against humanity. You must remember the true victims of narcissistic abuse are THEIR CHILDREN. We are literally destroyed for life! Why would you want to encourage two narcs being together to cause DOUBLE the misery for their offspring? I was brainwashed 10 years ago, married 8 years. Those are years I can never recover. I lived 10 years of severe abuse. I painted his house and we became friends. He inherited over a million dollars. I needed to get work and move out ASAP. My new friend told me so many lies once I got to know him better. He said he would pay my bills. I needed to get my own place. A friend of mine had my bed and the headboard was huge and complex. The next day he took me to the car dealership and bought me a jeep that was featured on the showroom floor. It took him 3 years to put the car in my name. I mistakenly talked about my past. I learned to tread lightly, waiting for the monster to attack me. First terrible accusations, then name calling then the threats. He brainwashed me to be dependent on him or throw my things out to the curb and be homeless. I thought his cold disconnected personality could be fixed with professional help. Phil wanted us on the show and blew up his phone for two weeks. It never occurred to me that he was a narcissist. I developed health issues. My sister 10 months older passed away. I was grieving as hard as someone can and he was abusing me the whole time. I decided to commit suicide. I was writing suicide letters privately in my own room. In February some people tried to kill my brother with a baseball bat. He had a fractured skull, broken jaw and a crushed cheek. Lied about the worth of the property and such. Oh so after helping my brother I came home and he started interogating me. I told him to stop! He left and wrote him a letter about his behaviors are unexceptable. He threw the letter at my face and charged at me. I was on my cell with my brother on speaker phone. He struggled to get the house phone out of my hand and ended up slapping himself on his cheak. Anyway, I got divorce papers and a good lawyer. Your article was spot on and thank you. Selfish, soulless conquerors deserve one another. Soulless and people who have one, do not mix well. I did not see that in the article. At this point I do not care if my sister narcissist is healed or not. I just want to heal myself from her demeaning ridicule. It has been one year of no contact but she will not leave me alone. A blocked email made it through, which has set me back. She is attempting to shame me, make me feel guilty, while telling me how popular and lovable a Christian she is. I will not contact her but it is causing me agony and stress. Everything I read says narcissist will never change as they do not see anything wrong with them. They blame their victim. There are so many of these videos out there to help you know that you are not alone, and to help you begin the healing process, and to start realizing YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! Also, a Narc is not a Narc, they are all not the same…meaning there are different levels of Narc and that makes sense to me; I learned that from HG. How that helps, is that just because you had an experience with 1 level of Narc as I had a very long time ago, I had no name for it, nor know of these textbook steps of manipulations: love-bombing, devalaution, triangulation, period of respite, Hoovering etc , I would still not have recognized the level of Monster I am escaping and surviving now. So, knowledge is the first step to unmasking them, then unveiling your own eyes to yourself. Be strong and shine, it is what they saw in you from the start, take it back. I bought in to it for a while, thinking how lucky I was to be with this guy who was so smart, so hot, so rich, until I got so whatever! Took a while, but I finally kicked him to the curb, with no tears shed on my part I might say. You broke it off and felt better afterwards with no tears shed?! Sounds like a run of the mill selfish boyfriend. When you are nolonger under a Narcissists control they tend to try to destroy you. November 13th, 2016 at 2:14 PM My mother married what I now, in retrospect, recognize was a malignant narcissist. I was 12, the child of her first marriage to a normal narcissist and drunk. She remained married to this person for 10 years. The first five years he devoted to destroying the mother-child relationship, then when I was gone in every way, he turned on her. She was nine years older than him, and when they finally divorced, she felt sorry for him because he had no feelings etc. By this time, I was living in another town and indeed, would seldom see each other for the rest of our lives: even though we exchanged letters and visited, there was always a reserve because she so totally allied herself with her second husband and came to see me with his eyes, basically for the rest of her life. Also a fair number of friends and family. She would become a lesbian, a militant feminist, and to say the least a very rigid person. For all that, she still had a weird love-hate relationship with him, a distant relationship with me, and a generalized hatred of all men. I think she maybe had PTSD. She kept a hair trigger temper, and even by the age 40, I had yet to express an opinion she found remotely interesting about anything. She was once enraged at finding a copy of The Good War by Studs Terkel on my bookshelves — jumping eagerly to the conclusion that it was a defense of war. I just wonder if other stepchildren have had similar experiences. A narcissist can never be capable of mature, true love. That was a cool learning experience. I would greatly appreciIate any vignettes with guidance of how to respond or not respond. Thanks and keep up the great work!! My passions were often ridiculed, hurt emotions dismissed, opinions questioned and I was rudely treated disrespected in front of her children and family. It was so deflating and defeating. We could never disagree, someone always had to be right, and it was always her. She would escalate any argument more and more until I found myself giving in from exhaustion. She would try to get involved with my friends and family, but then make an enemy of anyone I was close to my brother and mother for example. You should get out as quickly as possible. But be prepared for a storm. My ex went nuclear when I left her, and has done as much as possible to destroy me in every, legally, financially, and personally. Prepare yourself, protect yourself, then get out. Great advice, learnt the hard way for me. Separating from a Narcissists has for me been as though a light bulb has switched on and all those nagging fears of what was hiding in the shadows turned out to be real. No way am I leaving my children with THAT! Why any woman on a Narcissist Victim Recovery Website would help a Malignant Narcissist carry out more treachery, is beyond me. It would be really smart to ban her as Admin, but how? Several, no many of us post about the same man. Use caution my friends. For me it may be time to find a more secure support group. Was he laughing at me behind my back when I was telling him that I loved him? I cry constantly because I feel so foolish and used by him and he just skips off like nothing has happened. I pray to God above that I never in my life meet anyone like him ever again. I was with my narc husband for 20years. I am so glad there is a name for it and I am not crazy. My children have suffered and still love him. I did not know. Thanks,this has given me hope. I am now to scared to leave again due to what happened last time. Is this just Autisum. Bi Polar, combat related Ptsd, Explosive Rage disorder etc… There is no excuse to tolerate their mistreatment and abuses. I do pray you get out, your story reminds me so much of mine. Much love to all of you! Ali—I am unclear about your question, but if you are asking if autism and narcissism are the same thing, my answer is: no. They are very different conditions. A narcissists lack of empathy could look like a social skills deficit though. Autism is neurological and developmental disorder. Both conditions are very different with different subsets of qualifying symptoms. People who suffer from, and I do say suffer, from Borderline Personality Disorder may abuse, and definitely do their share of damage in relationships. Their life just is a constant battle of and with themselves and the world, and deep-rooted fears of abandonment. Thus, making them sicker and sicker and taking them further into the rabbit hole they never had a clue they were in to begin with. Please continue talking and sharing. It is only by doing this, that we are freed and the masks can be pulled off. After dealing with a divorce and relationship of over 10 years, I began dating one of my best friends of 17 years. I thought it was a safe and logical option. I trusted this person. I felt connected to this person. The person I knew for half my life was a lie. The relationship became intense. He spoke of being my soul mate. He spoke of marrying me one day. He spoke of loving my child as his own. He spoke of our children growing up together. Once I became comfortable and trusting of the idea, he broke up with me. For four months after the title of commitment was taken away, he would still come by. He would still say he loved and cared for me. Then I was excluded from birthdays and holidays. He wanted his freedom to be single. After I would state my hurt from this exclusion, he would buy me gifts such as diamond earrings. Then he would tell everyone he did those things just to be friendly to me. He would continue to be intimate with me and flirt with other women. Ask an ex what it would take to make things work with her. We would stop speaking for months. Then he would call me to say he missed me and still loved me. He regretted losing my love. He would talk about not wanting to miss out on a chance of us working things out. I would ask about that. Are we working this out or not? I was then told I was being pushy. I would then be sited the one going to fast and not taking the baby steps. He missed me because I made his life better the year before. He would flirt with me and make sexual innuendos. I discovered that a woman I confided with about my feelings for him and the frustration of not understanding what was going on, became involved with him after she told me to give him some space to think. His charm had worked on her too. He manipulated her to gain attention and boost his ego. She beleives there is something special. So while he is telling me all these lines of missing me and about how he never stopped loving me, he is building this bond with a woman I confided in. I confronted him on that issue and he said I took his words the wrong way. He only meant them to be friendly. We would not speak for weeks again and then he would become flirty with me again. I stated that if he flirts with me, then the other women go. He again found me pushy and demanding. Would get irate that he has made his stand of being single and can flirt with whomever he wants. He borrowed money from me, and for almost a year he has not even tried to pay it back. He goes out to dinner frequently and to concerts, but incapable of paying people back. He overextends him self financially. Uses his charm and self pity to gain empathy from people to loan him money. It was all about him. The thrill of the chase for him. I would ask him if all our years of friendship meant anything. If all the talk of marriage and a future meant anything. Ask if any of it was real. Today, I am discovering it was all about him boosting his self esteem by getting someone to want him. Once that goal was accomplished, he would move on to the next person. What I thought was real from a man I knew for half my life, became nothing but a broken fantasy that nearly destroyed every peice of who I was. I thought I had found the love of my life in my best friend. I was completely wrong and that hurt worse than the divorce with my ex husband. Bottom line, I am aware now what type of relationship we really had. I am aware I was only a toy for him. He is an almost 40 year old man that refuses to commit. He refuses to go to counseling, even if it means bettering himself for his own children. He is so self indulged and addicted to the other women that he is capable of getting with his extreme charm. He is a highly intelligent man. But refuses to acknowledge he could be an extreme narcissist. His world is about what brings him instant gratification. Narcs pick intelligent , beautiful, sincere, forgiving AMAZING people so they can live out a dream of being someone as amazing s you are. I have a question , 12plus year partnership , 3 babies , sacrificed jo history, money, independence. I can for sure pay back a loan with his child support easily , he jus moved me to BFE 3 months ago and took of his mask, I just found a handgun under his mattress. My kids are 6, 5 and 1 , what can I do. Tired of trying not do drown in this depression and grief everyday. Please help me and my kids help ourselves go. This is a NIGHTMARE!!! Her ex husband is successful motormouth narcissist and I just realized this from a youtube on Trump as a narcissist. I came across some information because we are getting a divorce and I was writing everything up in order to make sense of it. I had a question about narcissus and read a blog article and then a comment, which had golden child and scapegoat in it. I figured I needed to refine my search, because she is not even close to being a narcissist, per my understanding. Somehow I found an article on covert narcissists and awoke to the facts. I really appreciate everyone writing about this and sharing. Another thing I noticed in discussion when I said to him you were my man, i. I was then immediately put on edge and had to pacify him saying no I dont mean it like ownership but loving, its a good thing. I thought I had found the love of my life in my best friend. No, I was wrong. I think the main issue is there is a fundamental lack of empathy and without that there is a lack of core bonding. And where they feel no pain for hurting you or considering your feelings there is nothing stopping them hurting you, because they simply dont feel it, or realise it, such is the emotional deadness and emotional immaturity. They only pretend to be remorseful. I always was walking on eggshells talking to him at the end. He always made me fell bad for my hurt. He even told me several times that my pain was my own fault for sticking around. I know about his exes and what happened. I even have spoken to one of them. Funny thing is he knows he needs help. But refuses to go. So i become less hurt each day for me, and more sad for the current woman and his children. They have no idea what is in store for them. They can see injustice done to other people, and can sometimes see the injustice they cause to other people, but instead of correcting their mistakes and making themselves a better person, they just move on to the next victim. Their hope is someone will accept them for who they are…no matter how awful they treat people. They see their behavior traits wrong in other people, but not in themselves. Those of us with a conscience learn from our mistakes. Because then they would actually have to feel the Rath of guilt. I totally deal with these exact issues daily! And the lack of empathy is unbelievable! It has given me the ability to know that he is not going to change and we have to get away ASAP! Thank you for your comments! We got in debt and he ignored that and used that as an excuse to make me look crazy to his family. After 5 surgeries for breast cancer that was the beginners my of the end. He was a salesman on the road 2 weeks out of the month and by now he started getting on laptop late at night and texting a lot. That started setting up a red flag for me. He left me after Christmas for a woman he met in another state on a porn site A month after our divorce he moved her her and her kids in behind me and loves to keep things stirred up with my daughter. I know he still lies about his self worth and how wonderful he is. Ultimately though, one has to make oneself the focus, to discover what made us vulnerable to such abuse in the first place. And I had contact with one authority on NPD who put the number of Narcissist males at 75%. Still, the information is very relevant and useful and can be applied to ones personal situation without paying much attention to the statistics. Thanks again for this post! I have a financial advisor friend who I trusted with my family but after some time getting to see how they behaved, I grew to recognise the signs of narcissism behind their kindly mask. Red flags were evident very early on as i got to know them but I fell for the trap and in someways still feel trapped. It is very hard to get this person out of my head although I feel heartbroken by their deception and see it for what it is. The hardest thing is realizing they will never change. As a therapist myself, I can honestly say that watching someone else go through it is nothing in comparison to living it. This devaluing and being discarded after being idealized really speaks to my experience especially. In my case, the trigger for his rage and pathological lying would often be me pulling away or being assertive, even though he had already broken up with me quite definitively. The last ploy used to get my attention, post breakup, was to tell me his mother died. Is no contact the best approach in that circumstance also? And thanks again Andrea for a great article that has started to help me make sense of this experience and the real nature of the losses I am grieving. I think the only weakness is that it sets the bar rather high to make a determination that a partner is narcissistic. As a therapist and as the son of a pathological narcissist, I can attest to the fact that they can function quite well and carry on in society without undue notice for years. You may never know you are around one until you begin to stand up to them- this they take great exception to and you may rapidly become secondary supply at best. Really hard stuff to deal with. Once this happens, I too agree the only way to be safe is to stay away. That was a cool learning experience. I would greatly appreciIate any vignettes with guidance of how to respond or not respond. Thanks and keep up the great work!! In dating relationships, beware of the individual who swoops in and promises you the moon and back again, proposing to you in 2 days…a healthy relationship gradually builds, with mutual respect and empathy and self-disclosure. If you have already been entangled in a relationship with a narcissistic type person, then the best policy is absolutely No Contact…unless you share children, in which case you legally might have to do Limited Contact…I would highly encourage you to seek a psychotherapist who can provide you support in recovery from narcissistic abuse, and to also join an online support forum like Lisa E. These abusive relationships further undermine the codependents little self-esteem. Underneath both suffer from shame. My jaw dropped the first time I read your writing on this subject which was a couple of weeks ago. I have printed out both articles and read them daily to remind myself to avoid ever dating another man with this affliction as well as sent copies to all my single girlfriends. It was so easy to get swept away in all the drama, the ups and downs, highs and lows with the narcissist, but now know what an incredible sham the whole thing was. You truly could not have described in more accurate detail what I went through. My mother is without a doubt a narcissist, and I have dealt with treating my co-depency all my life. Now at 59, the puzzle is finally coming together! But she had to tell me how great this new man was, how intelligent and talented, how they are going to keep his apartment in the city and his country property, how he has motorbikes etc. For anyone who is in a relationship with a person with strong narcissistic traits I warn you to be careful. I was never good enough and got to the most tragic point. Thank God for my children who saved me from doing it. Trying to stay Near Positive People.. One Day at a Time. Trying to stay Near Positive People.. One Day at a Time.. I am grateful to this author for helping to increase awareness of something that has the very real potential to completely destroy lives. Before March of this year, I did not know that this type of abuse had a name. If someone would have asked me if I had heard of Narcissistic Abuse, I would have simply equated it with abuse by a Narcissistic person and that is very misleading. After enduring the most horrific emotional abuse I have ever experienced at the hands of a psychologist I had taken my two small children to for counseling, I endured even more trauma in the aftermath trying to understand what actually happened in the abusive relationship. Narcissistic Abusers are quite skilled at leaving the victim with all of the guilt and blame for the abuse. After I refused to see this therapist any longer, I spent 9 months trying to understand if he was trying to help me like he insisted or literally trying to kill me. That made it even harder to heal from the abuse. I spent every waking minute thinking about what happened searchign for somehting I had missed that could make all if make sense. They are still searching for answers and carrying the guilt and blame with them for not having done enough to prevent the destruction of the relationship. It is not discussed often because many do not understand it. However, with more awareness, more people are armed with information and can protect themselves from dangerous relationships. I was the love of his life, but I abandoned him so what was he supposed to do when this girl came and saved him where I had dropped him. Feelings of guilt transferred to me…I am so terribly insecure now, after being so independent and strong growing up! How do I get back to normal? How do I leave him behind where he belongs and stop shedding a single tear for him? Here are some details of her relationship with him: 1. Her father is a physician as well. Her parents were very strict and controlling, enforced with verbal and physical abuse on occasion, forbidding her to go out with friends, while driving her to do well in school and other activities. When she met her future husband, they had both been recently divorced. She was about to go away for a few months for a nursing job, when he literally swept her off her feet and took her to Las Vegas to be married before she left to go on this job. After they were married, she quit the job rather than going away. She was filled with great admiration and love for him for roughly the first half of their marriage. She thought of him glowingly as her rock, white knight and the love of her life. She did everything and anything he wanted her to do. She changed who she was to be who he wanted her to be. Instead she focused on being the best home-maker she could be. She loved to cook and perfected meals. She kept the house very clean all the time. She did everything for their two boys. She was always very driven, so that was how she used her energy. He always had the last word on any subject related to them and their family. She spoke that often their was fear- both from her and her sons- shortly he would come home from work that everything was not done- dinner, clean house, etc. Her boys would express this as well and tell her to hurry and get things done or Dad would be angry. Roughly 10 years ago, she had the first desire to divorce him. She was upset when he flirted with other women at parties. It was also around this time that he no longer satisfied her sexually. Still, she went on as before, but now more unhappily, mostly for the sake of their boys. A little over a year ago, she found out he was having an affair. This was devastating to her on so many levels. Apparently he had known the woman for 6 years. She felt she had lost her best friend, husband, her rock, her everything in one blow. It challenged everything she thought about love, marriage, everything. In the months after the discovery, she would often go stay in a hotel by herself with a candle and drink by herself rather than be in the house with him. She stopped having sex with him. Since she discovered his infidelity, he has become increasingly hostile toward her verbally. They have been in counseling for over a year now. She is increasingly stressed and unhappy with her marriage and does not want to spend any time with him because it is so unpleasant. Their counselor is trying to help them preserve their marriage. It is this last point that is most concerning to me. My thought is that the counselor has not identified the husband as a narcissist, otherwise he would not be trying to preserve the marriage through counseling. I met her the other day and asked her if she thought her husband was a narcissist. This did not surprise me entirely, and yet she seems stuck in what to do. She does not see an immediate need to end the relationship, primarily for the sake of her 14 and 16 year old sons it seems. Anyway, it appears his relationship with the other woman may have ended against his will, so now he seems more focused in a bi-polar way on her again. Their couple counseling is on an individual basis she ended the couple sessions after he repeatedly lied to the counselor. Very sad and troubling situation. And yet the counselor is trying to preserve their marriage. Apparently she asked him for a separation a year ago, but he refused, and he said he will not divorce her either. She has said that if he asked, she would divorce him, but she is afraid of her kids reaction if she were to ask for a divorce. Sounds like she has a good-sounding board in you. I would focus on your own self-care and release the issue at this time. I have been in a relationship much like this for 5 years. I even went to counseling and they never saw it which made me feel even more isolated and confused. Worse yet, we spend endless hours trying to figure out what we did wrong. We were not married and have no children together, thank goodness. I gave up my job to work with him, gave away most of my belongs my bad decisions and gave it my all in the relationship. He was very charismatic in the beginning but soon I realized he was shallow and unfeeling towards other people pain. Him and I bought a house together which is down the street from my daughter and her family. When I left, I also signed this house over to him because I did not want any ties. The narc hated my son in law and never had anything nice to say about him. Now the narc and my son in law are best friends, but I know my son in law needs the money his is making off of him at this moment. He thinks he has the narc under control…. I know he is wrong and the hatchet will fall with him as soon as the narc no longer needs him. We live in small community and the narc decided to remodel this house the one we bought together on a grand scale and so it is being noticed by everyone in this community. Originally he was going to sell it and I was all for that, just to get him away from me and family. But now it seems he wants to keep rubbing my nose in it for breaking it off with him. He is even trying to get his family to move here???? He is taking my family to nice places to eat and giving them money which they need but it is making me feel sick to my stomach. My son and his family has broken ties with him but my son in law has not. When I broke it off with the narc, I did the no contact rule, went back to work and even starting taking some college classes. I have accepted that he is a narc and uses people, is shallow and hurts people without a conscious. I have always been a forgiving person and I want to move on without his baggage cluttering my life. I do not want to move from this area, my family lives here, children and grandchildren,they are my family and not his, although he has a strained relationship with his kids and almost no contact with his grandchildren. The narc always told me how wonderful my kids and grandkids were, and how they always treated him with respect. I tried to raise my children to treat others the same way they treat themselves, with dignity and respect. My children are raising their children the same way. But I am at my wits ends on how to get him to move on. I have also been told he bad mouths every chance he gets. Any advice would be appreciated on how to handle this. Before I met the narc, I had been divorced for almost 10 years and had dated some but had not found someone I wanted to have a long term relationship with. I had a job with people I liked, a decent place to live, was close to my family, had close friends and volunteered to help our troops. My life was good by my standards. The narc swept me off my feet; I thought he was the one. He put me on a pedestal and would call and text me. We talked of building a future together so when he suggested I quit my job and work together we are flood adjusters it seemed like the right thing to do. We would save our money and buy a place together and grow old together. I gave up my place and gave away most of my material things; I thought I was doing the right thing. He admired how I was so close to my children and grandchildren as he was not close to his. It was slow but soon I was realized I had not seen my friends or volunteered anymore. And everything I did, wore or said was wrong, He would say mean things and hurt my feelings, but when I would say something about it, he would say I was wrong and he did not say or do those things. I started recording some of our conversations and would play them back just to check my own memory. I really thought I was losing my mind. I was right, he was saying and doing mean things. I thought maybe his mind was not clear because he would drink almost daily and usually too much. A few months ago, he told me that he did not trust me and doubted I loved him. It was like a light bulb went off, that was way our relationship was not in good shape. He also told me that when we met I did not have a place to live, a job, furniture or clothes. He said everything I have is because he gave it to me. He also told me that I was a drunk? I left, I signed the house we bought together over to him and did the no contact rule. I just wanted him out of my life. I almost feel he wanted my life, he wanted to be me. I have always prided myself on being close to my family, friends and community. My family has told me I have been a great mom and nana, and they want me in their lives forever but their relationship with the narc is optional and right now they need his money the money I helped to put in our account that he withdrew down to the last penny when I told him it was over. I just want my life back free from his drama and bad mouthing of me and others including my kids who he adores now. I have at times thought about calling him and telling him what I think of him. I would like tell him to move on and get out of our lives, but I know that will only fuel his feelings that he is special. I do not feel I should have to move away from my family, friends and community, they were mine long before they were his now I sound narcissistic. Even my kids have told me it like he wants to torture me for breaking it off. I believe they are now his narc supply and he will hurt them like he did me but they need the money right now. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I just want him gone out of my life, any suggestions would be appreciated. There were lots of red flags at the beginning e. But after a space of a week, he came back and we basically continued as normal. Over a period of time I began to live in a state of uncertainty, confusion and what I find most deplorable, is he made me question my own judgment. I could have written your piece, nearly word for word. So grateful he did. Just dealing with the fall out of crazy making. Helps to remind ourselves to quit thinking healthy responses can come from an unhealthy mind. I found myself baffled with his bizarre thinking. I jumped off with a whole lot of injuries, but I still am walking away, healing as I go. You can and will too. Only you can decide when Enough is Enough. Going ROUND and ROUND in continual Highs and Lows.. After awhile…well, one day, you just jump off. Better it be YOUR decision than getting Flung off or Stuck in a Prison of Madness. I have read so much trying to make sense of what has happened to me. Your description is by far the best I have seen yet. It is so hard to have lived thru something that i thought i would never live thru only to come out into a world that I have no idea how to relate to anymore. It is truly like learning to live again. I am out but I still feel crazy and find myself most comfortable when I am alone. I think it is because I have become so accustomed to the feeling. Anyway I usually just read the stories but I had to respond to your perfect description of the hell they so perfectly manipulate u into willingly putting yourself into. Will he ever come out of this disaster. He hated her an seen her nasty ways before the brainwashing began. He is now 18 graduating in 6 months and hoping to join the military. NM started this when she found out he told the law about sisters abuse. Should I just let go…. If you use the Advanced Search function on GoodTherapy. After selecting a therapist or several to email, you may want to specify that you are looking for some help in recovery from narcissistic abuse. The vast majority who specialize in abuse or relationship problems will have experience and expertise with concerns about narcissism. Our search page is here: We hope that helps! Best wishes, The GoodTherapy. His personality traits include but not limited to — self critical about weight, getting older, name dropping, always talking about his past achievements, loved to get new things all the time, he helped me get my first car and credit card, he was often critical of celebrities but always loved the lifestyle of the rich and famous, he would always compare himself to his sibling who made great money. The one thing that still holds me to believe he had some sort of heart was how big of a mess he was breaking up with me, he was sobbing, and kept apologizing and said he still loved me. It was a big cluster fuck of emotions. In hindsight, he had left what he claimed to be his best friend since high school to start a relationship with me. According to him, his best friend had been in love with him a long time and was jealous of him dating me. Was this a sign of a narcissist? About a year ago she got fired from her job. So I called her and we started seeing each other. Her sense of humor was sarcastic like mine. She was maninpulative, but in a very attractive way; a real turn on. She was like a dream girl. She was having financial problems so I started helping her out with her groceries, gas, utilities, insurance, student loan, etc… It all added up to about 15000 over 10 months. Despite all this her house was going into foreclosure in January. So I loaned her another 1800. Ever since that loan her attitude has changed dramatically. We had some arguments before, but not like these. The verbal abuse is shocking. She would make threats all the time. For example after about a month of this verbal abuse and being stood up multiple times, she calls me and wants me to help her out with her utility payment or they are shutting off her power. So for about 3 days she gave me non stop verbal abuse over the phone. Well I snapped and I finally let into her about the way she had been treating me since I loaned her that money. Her response was not that she was sorry, but that she would never forgive me. I stated that she had abused me 10 times the amount I had been mean to her. She then stated that I was a compulsive liar and that she did not trust me and she threatened to never see me again. I disagreed with that to no avail. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before I loaned her that money. When she was like a dream girl. So she calls me up and she wants a new bike. So I said I am not going to get her anything because the more I do for her the worse she treats me. She lit into me like I have never heard. She said that I never give her anything out of the kindness of my heart, that she hates me, and I am an idiot. I called her on Monday and stated that it was a good idea not to talk for the next 2 weeks. I think perhaps she has a new victim because she has only texted me a couple of times over the last 4 days. I am disinterested in everything now and I feel like I have no purpose, i. So many times I knew here texts were going to be nasty, but I just had to read them. It was like I was addicted to the pain. I cant overemphasize this enough. BPD people are at the mercy of their over reaching and over active emotions, with a large touch of seeing the world as a cynical and untrustable place thrown in. Our largest problem is an exisistential fear of abandonement. BPD hurt others only secondary to intense fear of abandonement and the pain that it evokes. They often feel extreme guilt and empathy days, weeks or even months later for the hurt they cause over reacting to this fear. Narcissists are in fact the exact opposite. They hurt people because they are not in touch with themselves and their feeling. What this says about the human condition is that healthy people fall somewhere between these two extremes. I should be over it, right? Right after I left Brett Gyllenskog swooped up one of my good friends, she was moved in with him within a month of me leaving. I thought that she was one of my best friends. I just have to remind myself that I also fell victim to his manipulation so many times. She is now in the same pain I was and although my hurt and anger are still here ultimately I feel pity on her. I just wanted to thank all of you that have commented and to those who wrote the article. Especially all the parts about, sleep, reactive depression, nightmares, etc.. I thought I was crazy and totally lame that I still carry the pain around and dream of him and her so often still. They will manipulate you every time you try to leave. I promise that It will never end! It is impossible for them to change because of the type disorder they have does not allow them to look at themselves the way that we can and they NEVER will be able to. So ultimately please hear my advice… I do realize that kids and marriage make this even more complex and difficult … BUY YOURSELF A PLANE TICKET TO SOMEWHERE SAFE AND AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT…. THEY NEED YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY SO THEY CAN KEEP YOU THERE TO KEEP SUPPLYING THEM WITH WHAT THEIR DISORDER NEEDS TO SURVIVE. REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT WELL — THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL…. I think the point at which you start to feel confused like maybe YOU are the one who is narcissistic is a big red flag that it is time to go. At that point the NARC has gotten to you! One thing I have discovered is that a NARC is often generous to you and your friends and family This may also confuse you. It is about their reflection ie how their being generous reflects on them and makes them look good as well as being a disguise! In other word it is all about THEM. This was a major realization for me. I got into this situation and it took six months to realize he was a narcissist. The way I got in it and got stuck was my codependency issues. Be prepared for your efforts to confront the abuser to be met with lies and denials, having your history changed and distorted ever so discreetly, See the tim Gaslight and you be made to look like the abuser. You may all end up looking foolish and loosing friends, but those that leave were captivated by the abuser and in a way victims also. It hurts, and the mess after hurts too, but the most profound disturbance comes from knowing that it was all a lie. Look at your boundaries. Or should I say I stayed to be humiliated, lied to, abused and romanced. I changed so much I felt dead inside, when driving to his home I would feel sick and never knew what to expect. I in all honesty cannot remember the worst abuse, but do remember sitting in the fetal position for days knowing I was bad and till the last 2 years rang up and begged forgiveness. I was told he was not sure if I were a suitable person for him to have a relationship with. I was too serious to casual, I was never right. Then he would give me cars, trips overseas. So I always thought how could he be bad, he was generous. My work peers thought I had the best man on earth. I made every meal he ate but that was nothing because when he took me to dinner it was much more expensive than anything I did. In the end I began to forget how o cook, afraid to tell him my children had come to dinner without him knowing. If he knew they had been to dinner it was always you cook for them and get too tired. No it was cooking for others that annoyed him. The last time I was badly behaved he said it is over and why I did it I dont know I said thank you good bye. Blocked his phone number after many hang up calls from him. I am still shell shocked but I will never make contact again. I would rather be alone than be frightened to be myself and be controlled to the stage I had died. What he envied the most. YOU fell in love with all that is good in YOU! Recognize that what he says is just him blowing it out of his ass. One of many small but nasty behaviours. He left his own son when he was 6 months old and I now think he was put out when the attention was not solely on him. These narcs are Teflon coated so nothing sticks to them while they leave a trail of wreckage in their wake. I have been on a merry go round for 6 years with a man who displays all year traits. Overly generous to those around him, never thankless about it though. One minute loved me next minute was cold and mean. When I would receive a text or call I was never sure who I would get. Sometimes i would monitor myself as I knew certain things would set him off and I wanted to keep the peace. One comment I read really resonated with me, and that was about putting up boundaries and then removing them. I moved in, I moved out. I got pregnant he made my life difficult, while celebrating it with his friends. It was a confusing hell. You question your own sanity, and it destroys your self esteem. As you are constantly having to pump up their esteem. Almost creating a fight to avoid to be there for you. It has not been easy. In fact, worldwide, it seems as if the United States is lagging significantly behind Ireland, England and Australia when it comes to any sort of acknowledgement about this type of abuse. I have found everything you have described in your article above to be on target with what victims of this type of abuse endure in trying to remove themselves from these toxic relationships but also in regaining their sense of identity once they are free from the abuse. Without the awareness and insight into the reality of what they went through, victims are significantly at risk for being preyed upon by other Narcissists. I am finding that currently, victims are relying on social media sites to get an understanding of what happened. That is fraught with complications of its own. Promoting awareness about this heinous form of abuse seems to be tricky. It sometimes feels like I am telling people I just saw a UFO when I speak of it based on the reactions I get from people when I talk about this. Thank you very much for your time. You seem very knowledgeable about these issues and I was just wondering if you had any resources or references of anyone or any place that has the awareness and knowledge to help. Anything is better than nothing. I am sorry I did not see your message sooner. Luckily I just happened to go back and look at the comments here this morning. To be perfectly honest with you, it is very difficult to really get a grasp of which mental health professionals might possess enough of an understanding about Narcissist Victim Syndrome to even make any suggestions. My own experience with healing from Narcissistic abuse was that fraught with difficulties. After I finally fled the relationship with the emotionally abusive psychologist I had initially taken my two small children to see, it took me about a month of falling apart to finally get up the courage to see a new psychologist. While she was very supportive and helped me file a 15 point ethical complaint with the Ohio Board of Psychology, she did not understand Narcissistic abuse. That resulted in me suffering from C-PTSD for almost a full year after the abuse trying desperately to make sense out of what had happened to me. What was even more disturbing was that when I finally found a website TELL- therapyabuse. What would be the motive? I actually stopped seeing this therapist for several months while I read all I could about Narcissistic abuse and come to some conclusion myself about whether or not this was what happened to me. I knew that if I continued to speak with her about it, I was going to become even more confused. All I knew was that this was the first time I had found anything that made the whole terrifying ordeal make sense. And I was hoping to stop reliving everything that happened again and again trying to make sense out of it. When I went back to see the therapist, I was quite sure of myself and what I had been through and I had enough confidence to confront her with her own lack of understanding about the problem. It turns out she thought she knew what Narcissistic abuse was. The reality was that she did not. I am finding that my story is far too common. Because of the immense difficulties I have had with finding the path to healing from this abuse- despite doing all of the things a person should do to get better- I have since become a very vocal advocate of changes in the mental health system. If you would like to read more about the work I am currently doing, you can find it here: naswoh. Currently, this is not a topic that is given any credence whatsoever in the graduate programs of many mental health professions. And that should enrage all of us who are struggling to overcome the devastating effects of this type of abuse. I do know that Andrea just created a new professional website andreaschneiderlcsw. My hope is that as more mental health professionals become aware of this type of abuse, more will be in a position to help survivors and clearly state that on their list of competencies. I know Andrea does teletherapy but I believe she may only be working with clients in California. Hopefully she will clarify on this forum. My hope is that through the CEU course I am creating for the Ohio Chapter of the NASW, there will soon be competent social workers ready to help the countless victims of this type of abuse. Until then, you might be able to locate competent providers by asking other survivors. One place that may be able to get you to a large enough audience to actually find someone would be facebook. This site was created by a psychotherapist in Ireland who is committed to trying to educate mental health professionals all over the world about this type of abuse. She is truly an inspiration to me. I hope this has been helpful to you. I just got out of the wourlwind of a narc. I live in Ohio and certainly wish I had known more. What are you doing to promote awareness. A website if you have started one. One of the reasons why Andrea wrote this article is because of the fact that this type of abuse is so poorly understood by mental health professionals. She explains early on in the article that she primarily learned about the aftermath of this type of abuse from her clients. Like most of us in the mental health profession, she did not come to understand this type of abuse or the devastating effects it can have on the people around the Narcissists during her graduate training. The ability to understand and help victims of Narcissistic abuse is not something currently being addressed in most graduate programs for mental health professionals. And that should frighten all of us. I feel it necessary to say something about this because Toni is asking a very important question and I feel like the reply you gave runs completely contrary to what this entire article is about. How many of the people posting comments about this article sought out professional help during and after abusive relationships endured at the hands of a malignant Narcissist only to be told they needed to try harder to work things out with them? The damage that can be done by well intentioned mental health professionals who have no real understanding of what this type of abuse is is very real. So I would respectfully ask that her question be readdressed. Until more people like Andrea stand up and speak out about the effects this type of abuse has on everyone around the abuser, it will continue to be something where victims must search social media trying to find the currently hidden path to recovery. Thank you for your time. What do you do when when the wool has been pulled from over your eyes and your heart is broken, specifically when you miss and love some one who literally does, and never did, exist. You have to mourn the death of an invisible man. You have to start your entire life over, and deal with feelings of rage, injustice, heart-breaking sadness sadness so cruel and bitter that it physically hurts , and the most ugly, evil betrayal and social slander smear campaigns worthy of a politician you can ever experience. He still has them fooled, and you are now the villain because god forbid you had enough respect for yourself and your safety to stand up and walk out run like your hair was on fire. You have to let go of a life, a reality, a future that you have been robbed of; you have to let go of a soul mate and a kindred spirit who in reality was only a façade used to manipulate you. You have to mourn the death of the imaginary love of your life, the future that you were building with them, the life you had created with them. You feel like an idiot. You feel empty, used, and discarded. You mean nothing to him, and you never did. Human beings are nothing but pawns to him, used to maintain his false image, feed his ego, and be manipulated according to his various agendas. You were idealized, and then de-valued. You were adored and then destroyed. You were everything, and then you were nothing. You have to recognize how much the emotional abuse has changed you so that you can heal from it. The gas-lighting, the manipulation, the stone-walling. The brutal words that echo in your head have to be fought off constantly. You feel like you are haunted, there are nightmares, constant shock, and confusion. You cannot apologize to loved-ones enough, because you also have to deal with the fact that there was and likely still is collateral damage. They got hurt too. In every way they were able to get under your skin and damage you, and then they judged you for it. They wanted you to lose value of yourself; they had you open up to them and share your every vulnerability and life experience, and then deliberately used it against you. There is a new target; you left this person for the sake of both of you, and after doing everything in their power to destroy you, they re-focused their attention immediately to the new one s. You never really meant anything to this person. You will never know if you were ever the only one at any point, if you ever had received one true iota of humane treatment. You will never have the full truth or the closure that you deserve. All you really ever were: A source of Narcissistic Supply. You were being fed on by a parasite, a misogynist who is literally incapable of love and has no real interest or respect for other people other than what role they can play in maintaining a false image and an ego. This is the same person that you shared everything, your life with, the same person who you dedicated yourself to, to whom you gave your heart and would do anything for. You are nothing to them, you never were. How do you mourn that? You now know that you were being betrayed and manipulated the whole time. They deserve for everyone to know who they really are, but you know that will never happen. This is not human behavior; this is beyond sick. Something in them is broken, and it can never be fixed. And it lies in the shadows of some of the most charming people you will ever meet. I have felt so alone the last 4 years and as I cry writing this, I finally am thinking it want my fault. I just started counselling but I feel my entire life was sucked from me. Thank you for putting into words exactly what I needed to see right now. That is what I have been through for the last two years. And a successful, strong and educated woman was slowly made to think I was unworthy and insane by an alcoholic unemployed narcissist. Silent treatments, discards and then he would pull me back in to tell me he loved me and was so glad I was in his life. Just trying to be strong now, to accept and process it all and to let go of a love that never really existed while still grieving a love that actually was real. I walked away 6 months ago! I know I made the right decision but the aftermath has left me CRUSHED! Brainwashing of myself and Of our 9 kids. He worked diligently so that every friend,neighbor,anyone that was a support now thinks i have mental llness and made it all up about him and hes great. Got me kicked out my apartment,wheni was in a hotel with my kids he unleashes social services on me trying to take custody. He has publicly humiliated in ways that i dont have time to share Hes dr jekyl and mr. I left him with kids then returned bcause he pored on the ive changed and want another chance. Final into a divorce,he will terrorize me of i do with more custody stuff etc,he doesnt want a divorce so i cant be with anyone else. Hes always up to something. He tried to take out everything in me that was me. I let him do it. I listened to him. He is a master at mind games. I recently scared myself by thinking its not gonna stop until one of is dead. That doesnt mean anything more than its just true. All while he maddingly declares in that soothing voice.. He found out somehow i was there,he uses every opportunity or weakness to get an advantage, i was so upset that i started vomiting n the hospital that he came there, and also he made sure to tell the nurses and dr,while he was there that i had mental problems that they should probably look into,wheni was there because his acions and mind games had exhausted me. June 3rd, 2016 at 8:21 PM Well written. You described my marriage of 30 years. Reading this made me tear up. Happily I am in a new loving relationship and am engaged. No he is not Narc…. They still have a relationship with their dad. Do I tell my children that their dad is ill? My ex said some sick things like: I have obsessive thoughts of burning you and strangulating you with the curling iron when you curl your hair. Do you ever feel like pushing people over high places? It was three months long, ended terribly. A few days ago someone sent me an email suggesting that I look into narcissistic abuse. I thought I would share my story again here and see if I could bring myself any closure or find others who could relate to my situation or bring me any advice on the topic. This is my story…. After the breakup I felt devastated and literally could not understand how I could live without him. He had a lot of baggage but I accepted him anyway because I could feel how much pain he was in. On top of that his dad came out recently, his parents had to get divorced after having been married for over thirty years, and his grandpa was a convicted child molester. I met my ex online in November and we were only together for three months. I fell in love with him the moment we first spoke and I just wanted so desperately to make him happy and help his pain go away. I wondered why such an amazing, special person deserved to feel any of that pain. I only wanted to see the beauty in him. I slept with him on the first date, out of lust.. It was a very special, intimate night for me…but only after we slept together did he tell me about his kid. Not when we first spoke online, not before we met in person, AFTER we slept together, during which he started begging me to not leave him. This is something I probably should have taken as a red flag…not his child, but his dishonesty about his child. It seemed like in the beginning of our relationship he had treated me like a queen. He told me that I had saved him and had transformed his life from one that was black and white to one that was full of color. He told me I looked at him in a way that no one else ever had and that now he finally understood what real love felt like and that it was a kind of love that his ex was never able to give him. Needless to say he broke up with me suddenly after three months and painfully told me he never meant a word he said to me. He tried to convince me I was bipolar and insane and that I was just like his ex who had a severe personality disorder, according to him. I told him after a month of us being together that I was in love with him and he used that as a weapon against me in the end. It was extremely difficult for me to be so open with him and I had a flat out panic attack when I told him. I came from a two year relationship, during which my ex never told me he loved me. I told him I loved him after six months and suffered for another year and a half until we finally fell apart. When I told Andrew I loved him, I had a panic attack and blurted it out, but he said it back and I literally just cried out of happiness. I admit, I got extremely vulnerable and insecure after I told him I loved him. Or if we fought and he went to bed instead of making sure I was okay. I know my insecurities irritated him and pushed him away in some ways. Right before we broke up I could sense something was wrong and I rushed over to his place with a gift I bought him, wanting to hold him…. I stayed the night, hoping that he would crawl back to me and hold me, but he never did. He just yelled at me anytime I tried to kiss him or touch him. And two days later we were over. And he told me all of these terrible things…. He said he never meant it. And I believed him. For four months now I have been telling myself that I deserved how he treated me, that I am actually insane and that I lost the best person I had ever met. I have cried every day from the pain. Finally after ditching me and leaving me waiting at a bar for him or waiting by the phone for him to let me know if he could hang out, and him ignoring my texts, he finally asked me to come over. I tried to act as though nothing had happened, I tried to act cool and calm. And we ended up drinking and sleeping together……after which he told me he had so much fun with me and asked me to start staying the night at his place again and that he wanted to see me the following week. Neither of those things happened. And tomorrow never came. I ended up texting him when I was falling apart, begging to see him and wanting him back and he never responded….. He acted so friendly and caring and loving when I saw him again.. He started telling me how pretty I looked. And then he completely ignored me once again and made me out to be this crazy person. I felt as though he had broken up with me twice. It was a complete stab to the heart. After sleeping with him I somehow believed things would come back to normal and that he would want to see me…but he completely used me and left me and tried to sell me to his friends….. Since then I have been making a list of all of the red flags that I saw during our short relationship, but chose to ignore because of my codependency and my inability to let go of the original picture of himself he painted for me…. He blurted it out accidentally when he started to tell me he went to rehab. He started telling me he went to rehab a MONTH into our relationship during a conversation I brought up about my brother who went to rehab. During our conversation he goes…yeah I ended up in rehab because of my ex wife…uhhh I mean ex girlfriend. Andrew…you told me she was your ex girlfriend. I would want to be sure they were the love of my life first. I thought it was obvious that we were married? My son has my last name doesnt he? And he gave me this explanation of how his marriage to her was just a piece of paper that he wanted to get in order for his son to have his last name…and that they never had an actual wedding ceremony. Why did I stay at that point? Confusion, maybe not wanting to believe that he flat out lied to me about being married…and I continued to feel sorry for him. About a month after we broke up I found out from his friend that Andrew actually DID have a wedding ceremony, with flowers and family and friends and everything. And that his ex wife had a ring as well. How when he met her he thought she was a gift from god but that she had changed and ruined his life. I let him talk because I felt sad for him.. And he kept telling me that she was fighting for full custody and that she had his son for five days out of the week and he only had him for two…I should have questioned why…but he always filled my head with stories about how crazy she was and how much she ruined his life and how she took his son away from him… so I always took his side…and always focused on his pain and victimization instead of actually taking his aggression and anger as a red flag. Every time I came over, he always had a drink in his hand.. I often heard his phone conversations with his mom and he would yell at her and showed constant annoyance when talking about his family. I had a conversation with my sister after she had met him and she said.. And it was our first time meeting him. He also complained the entire time during dinner about his stomach hurting. To my whole family. I always wondered why anyone would accuse him of such a thing. He agreed and told me he would buy them immediately and then never did. I knew that he didnt have any condoms in his apartment because I had asked him the first time we slept together and he said no…. He flat out lied to me. This was his SON he was talking about.. And then he would come up to me later telling me he wanted to fight his ex wife in court to get his son for more than two days out of the week…none of it made any sense. It upset me seeing how he paraded and made fun of these innocent people. I remember the night of my birthday I got really sick and he took care of me. It was painful for me to have sex with him. But I still wanted to sleep with him to feel close to him. I remember one morning I tried to sleep with him and in the middle of everything he got up and started getting dressed. I was confused and I ran out of his apartment, feeling completely embarrassed and self conscious. He was so insensitive, knowing that I had that problem. I feel as though there were SO many issues and red flags that I ignored. Anytime anything was off, he would counter his strange behaviors and negative comments with something sweet and romantic, telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And all I did was blame myself whenever anything was off. All I wanted to do was take his pain away and love him. Now I understand what a con artist he was. He truly fooled me and my family. All the promises, love, marriage, moving in…. But for a man to say things like that so early on and then take them back and throw me away like a piece or garbage, telling me I was insane and just like his ex and to make a joke of me to his friends telling them to date me so that I would never try to contact him again….. If any of you have had similar experiences I would really appreciate any advice on how to move on from this situation and overcome the narcissistic abuse I endured. If you would ever like to talk, please feel free to message me as well. Lots of hugs and love, V. The part where he says he only felt love with me blah blah and not with his exes. He was jealous and abused me for SMILING at a guy. I hope all the narcissistic dirtbags rot in hell. I truly feel this planet is a battle of good and evil and in the end good will prevail. So he can enjoy his fake temporary grandeur writing on his Jack Frost Journals on Facebook. Please take comfort in the fact that you are NOT alone. I saw my N out with the new girl. I have proof if this as a little over 2 months ago he called late one night very depressed and talked of wanting to die. Note that this happened while he was in his new relationship and seeming all loved up. Things fell apart with us quickly as my fears of being taken for granted became a reality. He was a master at the phone game. Always a bigger name on the other line. It became evident that he wanted me available for him at all times but he could come and go as he pleased — especially on weekends. He had a very sad story which he told me vey soon after we met. It included military service, PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks, physical pain, divorce, another crazy baby momma, estrangement from family. I was a bit overwhelmed that he confided in me so much so soon but I also admired that he was putting his life back together. We spent days and nights together not like me , became domestic, making dinners, doing laundry together not like me. He would call regularly and we had a routine. I changed my regular schedule of working out or hanging with friends. It was like he was saying please care about me. During the first few months I and he would blame any bad behavior on his past experiences coupled with suffering from PTSD and drinking too much at times. A night on the town would go from a good time to him being angry about something or at someone to being sad and frustrated about his past experiences to the point he would be in tears. The next day it would be like nothing happened. I pulled back and began to return to MY life but before long, sometimes days or a week he would call suffering from anxiety or another panic attack. He said no one wanted to deal with the PTSD. Now I know they all tried but nothing was ever enough. He still played the sympathy card but instead of needing my emotional support, he had financial problems. He was on military disability. How could I not help someone who sacrificed four our country. He also paid child support. I understood and also mistakenly thought because of his ego and pride that it was hard for him to ask for money. Trust me, it got easier. It took me refusing a lot of additional requests for him to finally get the message. The last was just 2 months ago. I know for a fact he is just fine. I had NEVER loaned money to anyone EVER. I wanted to see how far he would go. He took the money anyway. All the time telling me not to worry. That HE was my security. HE would take care of me if I lost my job or something. He actually told me once that he wanted me to be dependent on him. It was like whatever I was he wanted me to be the opposite. I was independent, he wanted dependent. When he no longer wanted me emotionally, he wanted my money. It was like he wanted my life. Quite the switch from his former attitude. Six months ago I started researching on line trying to understand PTSD and someone pointed me to NPD. I saw a therapist to get my mind back on track an to reinforce the need to not have contact with this person any longer. I have no doubts about what type of person I was dealing with and know what I experienced with him. His treatment of me was text book. I am a strong person and very self-sufficient and have been basically my whole life. I have great friends. In relationships I was always a bit guarded and weary of being taken advantage of or taken for granted. Maybe this new person will be able to give him what he needs, the way he needs it and he can feel normal for awhile. His life is as fragile as a house of cards and it always comes down because he depends on others to build it and well, people are people with their own lives and their own needs. Many of these are common among many men not just narcissists. Has anyone had any experience with women that are narcissists? From what I have seen, one of the common threads between male and female narcissists seems to be rage and abuse. A need to demean those around them to maintain inflated sense of self worth. It is worrisome that the public perception seems to be that Narcissists are primarily male. This can really leave innocent people vulnerable to being horrifically emotionally abused. My hope is that as more people, like Andrea, write about this to expose this abuse for what it is, we will see much more being written on the many facets of Narcissistic abuse. But I can tell you first hand there are female Narcissists out there and they are capable of causing just as much destruction as male Narcissists. And perhaps because public perception is that most Narcissists are male, female Narcissists are in a position to do an incredible amount of damage to the people they harm. She exists… she left 4 years ago without even apologizing for her actions after screwing my future supervisor at the time and til this day Im still left wondering if it was my fault. Then I found out she was married. June 12th, 2014 at 4:36 PM I have not read this thread. She tortured me every day and When I was 17 she came after me with a carving knife because I disappointed her—but no one at school would help me or believe me because she was so charming and attractive. For twenty years I slept with a baseball bat under my bed and to this day I cannot sleep without drugs. Finally at forty years old I found a highly trained psychiatrist who spent years wiping my hard drive clean of my mothers influence and then reprogramming me. Psychologists I tried before him just looked at me, puzzled with no idea at all of just how damaging a person like that can be. Thank god I was delivered from my misery. My mother passed away three years ago and for the first time in my life I felt like I could breathe clean air. I hope she is rotting in hell. I am looking for a therapist in Texas near Houston or Austin who specializes in NPD abuse and. Does anyone know of one, or a resource listing people who understand NPD? Good stuff he does therapy over Skype… This guy knows his stuff. It has been the worst experience of my life. So many ups and downs… The verbal abuse and lies. He has lied to me so many times about him seeing other woman. But I finally think that he is really having sex with someone. I think he just keeps me around for a fix. I thing he realizes I see him for who he is and he is not getting the supply he wants from me. He has called and left me so many nasty voicemails. Those are his attempts of him trying to control me and my emotions. I think I am co-dependent but have been doing a lot to change that. I never want to let someone like this in my life again. I am just happy to know I am not alone in this. Thank you everyone for sharing! I am doing my best to keep boundaries between me and the narc. How could I of fallen in love with someone sooo hateful? Well he was not hateful at first he was really nice. I myself know what your going through. One day he was trying to get me pregnant and want to move in with me and wanting to be with be me and the very next day he turned around and met someone else with a quickness he dropped me and wanted to be friends! I have my life together with a good job and I own my own home and etc.. Hang in there it will get easier!! I have no contact with him for a whole week now but reading these blogs really helps!!! It makes me feel a lot better to know I am not alone. My narc keeps texting me nasty things about me…. I have not responded…. I need to just not respond. Not give him his fix and power over me. He comes from a narcissistic family. I wish I new then what I know now. He has deliberately thrown me under the bus with her! Wondering why she was upset. Talk about feeling confused. Now things make sense. Same thing with me! I am so happy to finally be breaking free and accepting that this has all been a massive lie but, oh my goodness, it is going to take me a while to get myself back up. He took me for everything. Not all swagger around showing arrogance, some are smart enough to have tamed this after learning that their Narc mothers arrogance is seen as a negative trait which gives the game away. I am trying to get out of a 6 yr relationship with my narc wife. She has cheated on me and periodically emails one of the ones she cheated on me with. I have seen the proof but she denies it saying someone else had to of done it…. She makes me feel like a piece of crap for mentioning it or letting her know how I feel in general. Her kids are so disrespectful and get away with a lot yet my kids get griped about. I have four kids of my own as well so it makes it harder to just leave. There is the lying, manipulation, blaming, shaming, empty future, etc. It seems like sublet cruelty for no reason, other than to feed his ego. Which is more accurate? Either way, I need to leave. There has been some vital research on the link between Narcissists and some form of addiction.. Any form of substance abuse. If you are reading this and are convinced that you are in a relationship with a narcissist, my advice is to leave and terminate all contact immediately. You are in relationship based on lies, infidelity, and you are in psychological danger. Their behavior is like a swarm of roaches, for every one lie in the light, there are thousands that you cannot see, because they are expert manipulators and you want to see the good in the person. Also, you can insist on counseling. If there immediate dismissal, try saying that he or she is incompetent in the relationship. A normal person will look to find blame in themselves or both of you. Chances are, you will never know the details. If you are with a narcissist, you probably already know you are. Narcissists are excellent actors. They will often act like codependents because they know you inside and out. You must confront harshly to inflict the narcissistic injury. If you are feeling very brave, admit to a fake affair. If the person immediately admits to their own affair, you know the answer. Narcissists go after married people and people coming out of relationships. They we are perfect prey. Get out and do no contact. If you have kids, do not separate. Get an attorney and go for the jugular. You will be the subject of lies and deciet. You just land the first deviating punch. Get your kids and get out. Read human magnet syndrome and set boundaries. I am convinced it is narcissism, as I can drink my share but not act this way. Either way, something is seriously wrong. The lies, manipulation, blame and shame, etc. Moving to another town is not an option, as my daughter needs my residency to be enrolled in her school. He refuses to leave, because he is on the lease! His mom is a very stern abusive Asian woman and his dad was a narcissist as well. It was wonderful in the beginning. He told me he was everything that I was and believed in. I found out it was all a lie. He lies about everything, big and small. He was even married to a woman for 7 years before me and when I questioned him about who she was, he lied and said it was his cousin. We have been married for four years and it has been horrible. He says things to me that put me down. Like I am fat, lazy, an ingrate, who would want me after him and much worse. Everything I do is wrong. He thinks he is expert on everything, including childbirth. Very much a God complex. Never apologizes for anything or takes responsibility. He is addicted to porn and takes risks making bad decisions. After he belittles me and screams at me, three hours later he acts as if nothing even happened. He manipulates me until I back down. He controls every aspect of our lives. I have a child with him who I want to protect from him and his narcissism. I am his third wife and recently filed for divorce. I am afraid because he told me if I try to take money from our business that we built together, he will bury me and make sure I live on skids row. I am really tired and afraid. He has beaten me into the ground so much verbally and even hurt me physically before that it is hard not to feel exhausted. Ive been married 15yrs and have a son with my husband. And walked off and left me and our son when he wz a baby. We had no phone, water, cable, car, money or food and he was living with a girl who had no idea he was married. He came running back and eventually I took him back which has been the biggest mistake of my life. However, he made every promise imaginable and I had no where to go anyway. That was 8yrs ago. Before I met him I had my own home paid for, my car paid for, bills paid, and excellent credit. In front of our son. Plz tell me u have some advice about how I should go about leaving. He gambled so much away too its pathetic. So what do I do and how should I go about it? Anybodys advice would be great! It helps to validate that none of us deserve the treatment we have gotten. It truly is an illness and there is no hope for the victim. The Narc will use you up and spit you out. I am at the stage of wondering if I will hear from him again. I know I should NOT have any more contact with him, but I am still not past missing him. Thanks to everyone that is giving me the strength to keep away. I believe everything in life is a gift or a lesson to be learnt. You must remember its not the person you loved it was the idea of having that kind of love with someone. I to lost apart of myself in a what I see now fake relationship. Love can be blinding but if you look back and really be honest you can see how we tend to let it go on because we needed it at that time. I choose to look at him as a pool boy. His way of thinking is a collection of loyal girls all over the place who he can revisit when it suits him with no strings attached. I wish you love and joy with your healing. You are stronger than you know and no this kind of relationship is not normal. True love will find you. I am aware that her family life had been abusive as a child and that she was used to the abuse. Probably so used to it that she felt uncomfortable without it. This was a burden upon our relationship as I was hoping I could be the one to show her a new light in positivity from the way that I keep myself positive and happy with myself. It really hurt me for quite awhile that I had to leave her as well as the abuse that she had shown towards me. I am hoping that she can seek a way out of this suppressed anger on her own and find a way to make her self happy on her own. You have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. Sometimes it is seemingly impossible. I ended up writing a song to relieve the pain I had gone through. I know there is someone else out there that will accept my love purely. Sometimes you have to walk away even though you love that person with the fullness of your heart and soul. But, you also have to care for yourself. Writing this song helped me get through the pain I had experienced and helped me grow positive from the situation. Prove your love and others will eventually love you more purely.. There is someone out there that will.

Lewis Peakes says March 22, 2014 Just reading this is reminding me of the bad times and it exhausts me to think of it. This is a NIGHTMARE!!. They only pretend to be glad. Me: I got hurt too. Jim Jones Koolaid Sometimes its not even being beta, rather its related to relationships you had growing up, where you expected to be abused, or such things. You must keep an outside frame of reference The female narcissist attempts to cut off the solo from people who offer an outside frame of reference. Other than that, she seems perfect to you. I am persuaded we should give love, kindness and never give up. Let me help you with some more information and coaching: here is an article that helps you And another prime you know you. It is almost a worship, and they make themselves seem worthy of it.